Shambolic AGAIN

15 minutes, I stared at the monitor of my laptop and I have not written anything but this very sentence.

***

After 6 hours, I came back to see if there will be a difference. Luckily, I got some good messages from friends and some strangers which somehow filled the emptiness that covers me. But I know I am missing something…

***

Last night, technically speaking today for it is a dawn conversation, someone spoke in behalf of Kierkegaard about being independent and being in a relationship. According to her knowledge, seeking relationship means finding out what you don’t have—your lacks, thus it also means admitting your weaknesses. Then, I realized how strong she is and how weak I am.

***

I sleep at four in the morning of Sunday and wake up at three in the afternoon. But mind you, I haven’t slept for almost two days; bad sleeping habit, indeed. I guess, getting old means getting too irregular sleeps.

***

I spit on your grave movie is nothing but revenge.

***

The truth is, I am not okay. Am I too ambitious for I want to extend myself to others? I am not intelligent but I am thinking. I am not brave enough but I know how to cast away the fear. I maybe young but I have plans. Damn Jean-Paul Sartre’s notion of being responsible for others!

I am weak and I need help. I asked. Few replied. I trust them. I believe in them. I express what’s on my mind. They understood. I am sorry I can’t offer anything in return. I feel so guilty.

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Shambolic like the raindrops

Tiny little raindrops in the

windowpane hide her sadness

from the tittering scenery outside.

She wiped the glass but still blurred

la-la-la they sing

happily as a lark even the rain falls.

 

Skipping strings and falling dreams

tuned in gloomy

monochrome tired her eyes

as the music flies.

 

The rain soaked her mind of firefly smiles

and flowers of the summer which were beyond her recall.

But her heart swam in the hues of solace

as she hugged her pillow tight enough to fight the cold.

La-la-la-la the rain sings,

she hopes to wake up with a rainbow in her soul.

 

She hopes…

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/sigh

Alam mo ‘yung pakiramdam na hindi ka pa natutulog sa loob ng napakahabang oras para tapusin ang mga dapat tapusin pero inabot ka na ng bagong araw wala ka namang natapos?

Alam mo ‘yung pakiramdam na may libro kang ini-ingatan sa loob ng bag mo at dahil sasakay ka ng LRT1 (na napaka-bagal at siksikan) tapos malulukot lang ng ibang tao ang libro ng sobra?

Alam mo ba ‘yung pakiramdam na kung sino-sino ang kumakausap sa’yo nitong mga nakalipas na araw at halos lahat sa kanila hindi mo naman kilala?

Naranasan mo na bang utusan para sa isang napakahalagang gawain at buo ang tiwala sa’yo ng nag-utos na magagawa mo pero sa sarili mo alam mong wala kang alam sa pinagagawa niya?

Ninais mo na bang dumami kana lang sana (‘yung literal na madami ka mga 5 ka ganun) para lang maging produktibo ka?

Alam mo ba ang dapat maramdaman sakaling may taong mahalaga sa buhay mo ang nagkwento sa ibang tao ng pangyayari tungkol sa inyong dalawa na hindi naman talaga ganoon ang tunay na nangyari at dahil sa dalawa lang kayo ang nakaka-alam hindi mo magawang patunayan sa iba pang pinagkuwentuhan niya na hindi naman talaga ganoon ang nangyari?

Eh ‘yung may kasalukuyan kang ginagawa tapos bigla mong naramdaman na ayaw mo na?

 

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Random thoughts as train travels

I always believe that friends do come and go. It is a natural phenomenon and sometimes a necessity as one takes his flight, progressively, off to some unknown pavements. In one way or another, one will be left behind. Tragic it may be but dear companions must part ways, in time, and I should take it easy just like how people at train station scattered hurriedly making their own steps headed to relative destinations as they take off. Despite all, I would never forget and hold on to the idea that at certain moment we happened to share the same route. Thus, “be well”, I said instead of byes, for want of anything less inappropriate to say.

***

Recently, my mobile inbox has been flooded by text messages from my previous co-workers. Well, they are my friends more than job companions. They were asking if I could at least pay a visit to their office so we can have some chat which I usually answered with a “maybe”, “I’ll try” or “I am sorry for I am tired or busy”. I don’t like to sound so like a V.I.P. hence, notwithstanding my tiredness this day, before arriving at Santolan MRT station I decided to make a drop by at my previous workplace. With a box of donuts in my hand and a smile on my face I pushed the doorbell and waited for someone to open the door. Then, a familiar face came next to the impassive closed door and greeted me by a hug. And I felt so welcome. Taps, hugs, laughter, banters, rants and gushes were shared over a cup of coffee and donuts. I am constantly afraid to the idea of going back. I hold on to things too much and when it comes to letting go I let go things profligately as well. I am too emotional when it comes to reminiscing and putting broken pieces together. It is always hard for me to backtrack, I’d rather move forward aimlessly. But these people made me reconsider my thoughts. It’s great to go back even to a place that reminds you a great deal of pain because it reminds you as well the things and people that help you overcome the agony. The people who listened to you, who comforted you, who laughed at your melancholy and most of all who believe in you in times that you yourself is losing faith in your very self. One can never literally go back but one can at least make the others feel that they are not forgotten.

NP: Never gonna leave this bed by M5

#unfinished

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Ang Umaga ko Noon

Alas Singko Y Medya

ang tunay na oras ng pagtilaok ng manok,

kasabay ng pagtawag ng magtataho

sa mga batang pupungas-pungas,

habang ang amoy ng bawang

sa sinangag ng kapitbahay

ay naglalakbay sa buong siyudad

at ang almusal ay ang mga usal ni Nanay

patungkol sa pandesal.

Ang bata sa hapag

ay may matang malayo sa pagmulat ngunit

tiyak nadinig

ng tainga ang pagsikat ng araw.

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Protected: Forever Loser

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To “Patatas”

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A “R” Letter

******

Greetings!

The reason I am writing this letter is to inform you that categorically by 12th of December this year, I will be resigning from my position of Assistant Team Leader at FOCUS-Poli Media Research and Consulting Inc.  I have carefully analyzed this move and came to such decision in order to advance my career.

I have enjoyed working with you and appreciate the opportunities I have given here. Moreover, I would like to extend my gratitude for the abundant knowledge that I have learned in 480 plus days of staying within the company.

In my remaining days, I am still after the company’s welfare. Thus, let me know if I could be of help in any aspect which my skills can be utilized. And from the time I abscond, I will and always do wish for the progress of the company.

 Fortiter Fideliter Feliciter!

I am,

*******

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Doing some goods and lot of bads

Today PAGASA-DOST declares that the weather would be a moderate to heavy rain. I think the Arroyo camp is wishing for the same weather for tomorrow so they could find another excuse so CGMA not to transfer yet at VMMC. And I don’t know why Mario Maurer’s birthday is trending in Philippines Twitter and not in Thailand Twitter trends.  Is Piolo Pascual going out in media today? Everyone is after that.

***

Kahapon naging maganda ang panahon, may konting ambon ngunit hindi nauwi sa ulan at nagkaroon kami ng pagkakataon para makapag-pinta ng maayos para sa ginagawang palaruan sa Philippine Childrens Medical Center. Minsan sa buhay ko, tinanong ko kung bakit ko kailangan gawin ang mga bagay tulad nito; eh hindi ko naman kaanu-anu ang mga taga-PCMC, partikular ang mga batang me sakit doon. Wala akong pasok at noong mga nakaraang araw pagod ako, dapat ay nanatili na lamang ako sa bahay at natulog. Pero pinili ko pa ring pumunta at tumulong kasama ang aking mga kaibigan. At ang sagot, ito kasi ang nararapat gawin. Hindi ako nagpapaka-dakila at wala akong balak maging isang dakila. Hangga’t maari ayoko nang nahihirapan ang sarili ko. Pero kung may pwede akong magawang tama ito ay ang tumulong sa abot ng aking makakaya. Maliit na bagay lamang ang nagawa ko kahapon kumpara sa mga doktor na nakapag-ligtas ng maraming buhay at mga sundalong nagbuwis ng buhay.

Hangad ko ang paggaling ng mga batang lumalaban para sakanilang karamdaman sa PCMC at nawa ay dumating na ang araw na kayo ay tuluyang maging malusog at masaya sa buhay.

***

Almost 30 minutes. My mom talked to me. A very short conversation. Few words were spoken but she never failed to ask “How are you today?” which I usually answer by a hug.

***

They smoke at a public park as they sat on a bench under the tree while their favorite music plays to illuminate a blissful milieu. Timeless. Priceless. They babble about their dreams their wants and things they dislikes. They laughed. There were moments that their eyes showed some waters about to fall but they don’t mind. There were moments of silence but they both knew they were not alone—never will be for they have each other.

Let’s be friends for the rest of our lives Patricia Mae Insigne.

***

Dear Mr. Architect,

I am numb like a blank canvass. Without my permission, you came voluntarily, and you tried to paint. I am sorry for I still see no colors. So, before your brushes get dry and I don’t want your hands to get tired—STOP. Please…

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unorganized thoughts!

Click the link button to set the mood in good:

I am only human.

I have my own effin deeds which people either like or hate but I don’t intend to impress or please them. I admit, I get weak sometimes and I need my family and friends to lighten up the burden. And for all my mistakes to those I have hurt, I know I can’t retract but I really wish to make it up to at least make them feel I am sorry—just  give me a chance to do so. But after all, this thought embraces my life:

I wanted to say this or that…

I wanted to catch up and prove my sincerity…

But it’s no use,

Yeah.

It’s not like ___ is going to come back.

Thus, let the raindrops fall over your head; let the boat sail on the sea; and let Gloria Arroyo leave the country if she wishes to.

Almost three days ago I have celebrated the day of my birth and it was a great one.  The next day KC Conception announced her heartbreaking story with the guy she thought a genuine one—Piolo. Then, last night I encountered those looters along the way who took my mobile phone for the Nth time. And today, out of my awareness someone told me that I am the girl of this guy. I thought I had enough not until a friend asked me anu raw gamot sa patay na kuko? Hurriedly I surf the internet trying to figure out the remedy until…I realized I badly want a new mobile phone worth P200.

What the heck is happening?

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