…

Minsan madadapa, galos halos ang mukha,

gugulong, susulong,

iikot ang mundo,

patuloy.

 

 

-petchai

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Don’t be afraid to turn back…

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Assessing the past months

• “I have the full absolute sovereign jurisdiction over this matter.”

It could have been better if he simply said, I am responsible for this. Oh, man of words, caught up in his own words. Thanks to the old and new gods who didn’t bestow me great intelligence, thus I am not thinking too much about things, especially on trivial things like him and his disciples. Moreover, I think “full absolute sovereign jurisdiction” is too embellish for a communication via text message. It made the words cheap likewise the sender’s intention. Additionally, you are not a piece of land Mister to proclaim sovereignty over events. And it could have been better also If I replied, “jejeje” or “LOL”, but I don’t like to deal with his art of deception. If you are professional enough, email is a basic means rather SMS Mister.

• She sways

She sways in great style: in both extreme sides. Like waves from the Pacific Ocean she can travel to Europe in an instant. I think “in both extreme sides” is an understatement, for she’s so great she can sway in all positions. She can babble about Locke while having Plato on her mind. Deceiving, indeed…

• GREEN

Green symbolizes self-respect and well being. Green is the color of balance. It also means learning, growth and harmony.

• Mentor says

Good working environment really matters so as one can perform in full excellence at work. If your place, table, computers, pens and notebooks, etc. are well provided by your employer what else is left to you but to work in utmost. And in every job, our workmates add spice to our daily lives. Your workmates, more often than not, become either your friends or foes. But my mentor taught me, we have neither friend nor foe at work, only collaborators. We were gathered in order to perform a goal for an institution. Our skills are being paid so you ought to carry out your tasks diligently.

• Partner

I never thought I would find another one but he is in different timeline. Please stop pampering me. Fuck my age, I wish I am 15 years older when I wake up tomorrow.

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Me Too

You are a pariah. You are contemptible. You are outside the circle of the grace. You have missed the elegance of being bless. These words are too often thrown around. Society is telling us who deserves second chances, who is worthy of the kind of love we all crave. When you hear these things enough, they become your inner monologue: “I will always be on the outside looking in.” Like how Estelle longs for a mirror and found it in Inez’s eyes. And which Nietzsche loathe of by proclaiming that “it is too difficult to live with people because it is too difficult to be silent.” But who are we in that crowd with the bleeding woman? Are we the people ushering the crowd away, never looking down at those who might distract us from our blessings? Or are we the woman, desperately trying to cling to any sort of hope that one day it will get better? We are both. We are all of them, at some point in our lives, and we are always striving to be the one in the midst of it all: the written religious history told us that Jesus was surrounded by many, yet was drawn to the one who had been invisible for years. And the Catholics romanticized this, telling we catch glimpses of this around us: a teenager defending a classmate who others have shunned, a farmer who tirelessly sowing seeds in a dried field, and in the image of a poet of an unrequited love. Thus, there are times that we are convinced in the Christian teaching that we should live Jesus in our hearts. But, be it a Christian, a Muslim or even a Zarathustra’s way, all of these can be sum up into one idea—we all want belongingness. Rarely, we can feel this even if Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites exist. Appreciation is just a bonus. It is beautiful scenery when someone is taking time to sit and hear the story of a homeless person. And it is a wonderful experience when there is a person brave enough to say the words we so often ache to hear: me too…

 

 

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Kung pwede lang paki-usap…

Mamatay na lahat ng Jejemon!

..at sana kasama siya.

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For the one who is chasing…

In the Sunset they made Love

Once upon a time, there was the Sun, the Sea, and the Sand self-sufficiently shaping their existence around the ball of life. The Sea on her way trying to wrap all the good things around the globe met the forever passive Sand. The Sea touched the Sand but to her surprise the latter did not respond accordingly like the others. It amused the Sea; the non-response of the Sand made her more eager to touch the Sand repetitively, incautiously, and continuously. The Sea caressed the Sand sweetly and sincerely as she could. And due to the increasing current the Sea is producing the Sand became so vulnerable and allowed the former to flow all over him. The Sea thought her actions were effective but it’s not. The Sand’s reaction is just a manifestation of his passiveness—letting anyone to touch and drag him anywhere for he has no will to resist or even to submit himself to others. Eventually, the Sea realized how naive it is of her to believe that she can get hold of the Sand. The Sea cried in pain and frustration.

All this time, the Sun witnessed the struggles and unrequited affection the Sea is giving towards the Sand. But the Sun is too distant from the Sea, he could not understand well what the Sea is trying to depict with all her actions—it confuses him. And this confusion leads the Sun to make his ways to get close to the Sea but to no avail the course of nature is forbidding him.

Fortunately, the ball of life rolled and the time for the Sun to touch the Sea came. As the Sun gets closer to the Sea, he can’t help but see his reflection through her which made him fall for her even more. It was exactly an orange time, the Sun kissed the Sea. Eventually, the Sun’s light enveloped the Sea; and the Sea can no longer help herself but chase after the Sun’s glow. They both enjoyed the warm of the moment.

 This story has no happy ending for this story has no ending at all. The Sun knew well that the blissful time will surely end; and the Sea knew as well that the Sun, no matter how close it would look like, will always be a light year away from her. A Sun eternally longing to get close to the Sea and a Sea eternally chasing the Sun’s glow—A love which is eternally recurring…

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SHIT HAPPENS!

The impeachment trial goes on, the bar results were out, the Ash Wednesday have passed, the electric bills continue to costs each of us increasingly, and my taxi bill is counting…

SHIT HAPPENS.

Last days, it was hard for me. And today it’s still the same. But I don’t care anymore, like what if I don’t know this or that? It won’t make me less a man but more human. I am no God, I need people around me who can suffice my lacks. I am weak, indeed. I need the “others” who knows how to enjoy the supremacy over my weaknesses. But I don’t need those who are talking like a god, telling what is wrong with you, good at complaining, castigating your personality and yet in themselves they are nothing but a man of ALL-TALK. I realized, while walking on a street I was not familiar with and hoping not to get lost, I had enough of them. But they have the privilege to rant and fret just like what I am doing right now. Their “blessed” thoughts are valuable as much as Sartre’s notions. Let them articulate and I have to listen to them. I, instead, should always keep in mind that SHITS are everywhere (inescapable) and as a rational man what is most likely expected to do is not to step on SHITS—it  would do no good to both of us; If you step on a shit you would just destroyed it and make yourself dirty as well. Leave them as it is, and let the nature solve the issues of the poops.

O kaya ganito:

-Hoy Tao! Sabi ng Tae.

Nagulat si Tao at napa-atras nang makita si Tae.

-Subukan mo akong tapakan at ikaw rin ang magsisisi, ani ni Tae.

Maingat na naglakad si Tao ngunit hindi inaasahang natapakan pa rin niya si Tae.

-SHIT! Bulalas ni Tao.

Nilinis ang talampakang nabahiran ng dumi.

Ang tunay na Tao lilinisin DAW ang naka-kalat na Tae.

Ngunit sa palagay ko ay hindi tama, hangga’t hindi naman nagmula sa iyo ang dumi.

MIND YOUR OWN SHIT!

Isa pa, bakit ko lilinisin ang Tae kung may ibang nilalalang na nakikinabang dito,

ang langaw halimbawa.

Aso rin pala minsan.

Ngunit tandaan mo Tao tayo at hindi langaw;

Langaw lang ang tumatangkilik sa Tae,

kaya sa ayaw at gusto natin, kapag may pagkakataon, nililigpit natin ang dumi.

Ikalawa, sa totoong buhay masarap maglabas ng SHIT,

Pero kapag nakita mo na, nakakainis diba?

Kaya nga may konsepto ng “flush” ‘wag kang mag-alala.

Ikatlo, SHITS ARE EVERYWHERE!

Hindi ka man maka-apak ng Tae ng aso, pusa, kalabaw o ng Tao

Sa lahat ng pagkakataon maari kang mahulugan

ng Tae ng butiki sa kisame o ibon na nasa puno.

Ang kalikasan ang nagtatakda ng SHITS na ito,

Mahirap labanan ang likha ng kalikasan,

SHIT HAPPENS…

–Hoy Tae!

 

(Thoughts while on a cab from Megamall to Strata 2000, Ortigas and my taxi bill is worth P157.50. SHIT HAPPENS!)

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Shambolic like the raindrops

Tiny little raindrops in the

windowpane hide her sadness

from the tittering scenery outside.

She wiped the glass but still blurred

la-la-la they sing

happily as a lark even the rain falls.

 

Skipping strings and falling dreams

tuned in gloomy

monochrome tired her eyes

as the music flies.

 

The rain soaked her mind of firefly smiles

and flowers of the summer which were beyond her recall.

But her heart swam in the hues of solace

as she hugged her pillow tight enough to fight the cold.

La-la-la-la the rain sings,

she hopes to wake up with a rainbow in her soul.

 

She hopes…

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/sigh

Alam mo ‘yung pakiramdam na hindi ka pa natutulog sa loob ng napakahabang oras para tapusin ang mga dapat tapusin pero inabot ka na ng bagong araw wala ka namang natapos?

Alam mo ‘yung pakiramdam na may libro kang ini-ingatan sa loob ng bag mo at dahil sasakay ka ng LRT1 (na napaka-bagal at siksikan) tapos malulukot lang ng ibang tao ang libro ng sobra?

Alam mo ba ‘yung pakiramdam na kung sino-sino ang kumakausap sa’yo nitong mga nakalipas na araw at halos lahat sa kanila hindi mo naman kilala?

Naranasan mo na bang utusan para sa isang napakahalagang gawain at buo ang tiwala sa’yo ng nag-utos na magagawa mo pero sa sarili mo alam mong wala kang alam sa pinagagawa niya?

Ninais mo na bang dumami kana lang sana (‘yung literal na madami ka mga 5 ka ganun) para lang maging produktibo ka?

Alam mo ba ang dapat maramdaman sakaling may taong mahalaga sa buhay mo ang nagkwento sa ibang tao ng pangyayari tungkol sa inyong dalawa na hindi naman talaga ganoon ang tunay na nangyari at dahil sa dalawa lang kayo ang nakaka-alam hindi mo magawang patunayan sa iba pang pinagkuwentuhan niya na hindi naman talaga ganoon ang nangyari?

Eh ‘yung may kasalukuyan kang ginagawa tapos bigla mong naramdaman na ayaw mo na?

 

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Random thoughts as train travels

I always believe that friends do come and go. It is a natural phenomenon and sometimes a necessity as one takes his flight, progressively, off to some unknown pavements. In one way or another, one will be left behind. Tragic it may be but dear companions must part ways, in time, and I should take it easy just like how people at train station scattered hurriedly making their own steps headed to relative destinations as they take off. Despite all, I would never forget and hold on to the idea that at certain moment we happened to share the same route. Thus, “be well”, I said instead of byes, for want of anything less inappropriate to say.

***

Recently, my mobile inbox has been flooded by text messages from my previous co-workers. Well, they are my friends more than job companions. They were asking if I could at least pay a visit to their office so we can have some chat which I usually answered with a “maybe”, “I’ll try” or “I am sorry for I am tired or busy”. I don’t like to sound so like a V.I.P. hence, notwithstanding my tiredness this day, before arriving at Santolan MRT station I decided to make a drop by at my previous workplace. With a box of donuts in my hand and a smile on my face I pushed the doorbell and waited for someone to open the door. Then, a familiar face came next to the impassive closed door and greeted me by a hug. And I felt so welcome. Taps, hugs, laughter, banters, rants and gushes were shared over a cup of coffee and donuts. I am constantly afraid to the idea of going back. I hold on to things too much and when it comes to letting go I let go things profligately as well. I am too emotional when it comes to reminiscing and putting broken pieces together. It is always hard for me to backtrack, I’d rather move forward aimlessly. But these people made me reconsider my thoughts. It’s great to go back even to a place that reminds you a great deal of pain because it reminds you as well the things and people that help you overcome the agony. The people who listened to you, who comforted you, who laughed at your melancholy and most of all who believe in you in times that you yourself is losing faith in your very self. One can never literally go back but one can at least make the others feel that they are not forgotten.

NP: Never gonna leave this bed by M5

#unfinished

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